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New puppy?

Q The owners came home the other day with a new puppy. I managed to get a look at it this morning and I am afraid its an ugly looking thing. Its all pink and hairless and the only tricks it can do is lay on its back and whine. Worse than that, it poos in its bed but they haven’t rubbed its nose in it yet. The owners make strange noises at it all day and I haven’t been out for a walk since it arrived. What should I do? A To begin with, I think you will find that the pink thing is probably a small human called a baby and it is meant to be hairless, smelly and noisy. This needn’t be a bad thing, but to begin with you will have to put up with a lot of strange smells and noises around the place. After a while the Alpha male will start taking you on long walks, probably to the pub. Another benefit is at feeding time when the little creature scatters its dinner all over the kitchen floor. If you are patient, small humans can be trained to hand over any food that’s given to them. In fact they seem to enjoy it, so my advice is don’t worry and just enjoy it.

Tickle training

Q I like to have my tummy tickled but the owners keep fiddling with my ears or patting me on the bottom. What do you think is the best training method to break them of this habit and get back to some decent tummy tickling. A I think you will find that by far the best way to deal with this common problem is to wait until they have settled on the couch and then roll onto your back, squirm from side to side and then just lay there. You will find that they are incapable of resisting the impulse to come over and tickle the exposed tummy. Should they be so engrossed with the box in the corner and not notice then a little gentle woofing will focus their minds. In time they will come to understand your preference and that tummy will get all the tickling it can handle.

Dirty Dog

Q I have been watching the cats lately and I have noticed how they wash around their chops after they have eaten. I like to look my best at all times but I have found that bits of dinner end up stuck on my nose, under my chin in fact all over my face. I have tried that cat thing but it doesn’t seem to work very well and I just end up with gravy and biscuit crumbs on the backs of my legs. What should I do? A The answer to this one is simplicity itself. The whole of the house is your flannel so I suggest that the best thing is to find a nice soft surface and then rub your face all over it after dinner. The big settee in front of the telly is good with the added benefit that it will smell pleasantly of Rabbit, Tuna or another of your favourites. You may even find the odd lump of meat or biscuit dislodged from under your chin as an extra tasty treat. If you are out and about with the owner and you are not sure which surface is best, you will find that the owners trousers are quite effective.

What about the wind?

Q I have been suffering lately from a bit of wind. People hold their noses and wave their arms then tell me to go outside. What should I do? A Well, to be honest, its probably their fault in the first place for feeding you the wrong stuff. But I think the best answer is to take a leaf out of my friend Tessa's book. After a little "gaseous eruptus" she would leap straight to her feet, look at the nearest human, sniff and walk off in disgust.

Bed hopping skills

Q Now that the weather is getting cold the best place for a bit of extra warmth is on the owner's bed. What have you found is the best method to sneak a bit of space without waking them up and getting sent downstairs again? A Now, this is a good one and it may require some patience and a fair bit of practice before you get it just right. Wait until you can hear a strange snorting, gurgling noise. This indicates that they are probably asleep. Just to make sure, go around to each side of the bed and pfufff in their faces. If this doesn't get a reaction, move to the next stage. Put your front paws up on the bed, wait a second and then hop up. Stand perfectly still, and then after a few seconds move slowly up between the snorters and then slow and easy lay down. You may be a bit cramped so lay over on your side and brace yourself between them and gently push. The important thing here, is to be careful NOT to push one or both of them out of the bed. All that good work gone to waste! You should enjoy a warm and comfortable night, and (if you are wise), hop off just before the alarm goes off!

New puppy?
Q	The owners came home the other day with a new puppy. I managed to get a look at it this morning and I am afraid its an ugly looking thing. Its all pink and hairless and the only tricks it can do is lay on its back and whine. Worse than that, it poos in its bed but they haven’t rubbed its nose in it yet. The owners make strange noises at it all day and I haven’t been out for a walk since it arrived. What should I do?	A	To begin with, I think you will find that the pink thing is probably a small human called a baby and it is meant to be hairless, smelly and noisy. This needn’t be a bad thing, but to begin with you will have to put up with a lot of strange smells and noises around the place. After a while the Alpha male will start taking you on long walks, probably to the pub. Another benefit is at feeding time when the little creature scatters its dinner all over the kitchen floor. If you are patient, small humans can be trained to hand over any food that’s given to them. In fact they seem to enjoy it, so my advice is don’t worry and just enjoy it.
Tickle training
Q	I like to have my tummy tickled but the owners keep fiddling with my ears or patting me on the bottom. What do you think is the best training method to break them of this habit and get back to some decent tummy tickling.	A	I think you will find that by far the best way to deal with this common problem is to wait until they have settled on the couch and then roll onto your back, squirm from side to side and then just lay there. You will find that they are incapable of resisting the impulse to come over and tickle the exposed tummy. Should they be so engrossed with the box in the corner and not notice then a little gentle woofing will focus their minds. In time they will come to understand your preference and that tummy will get all the tickling it can handle.
Dirty Dog
Q	I have been watching the cats lately and I have noticed how they wash around their chops after they have eaten. I like to look my best at all times but I have found that bits of dinner end up stuck on my nose, under my chin in fact all over my face. I have tried that cat thing but it doesn’t seem to work very well and I just end up with gravy and biscuit crumbs on the backs of my legs. What should I do?	A	The answer to this one is simplicity itself. The whole of the house is your flannel so I suggest that the best thing is to find a nice soft surface and then rub your face all over it after dinner. The big settee in front of the telly is good with the added benefit that it will smell pleasantly of Rabbit, Tuna or another of your favourites. You may even find the odd lump of meat or biscuit dislodged from under your chin as an extra tasty treat. If you are out and about with the owner and you are not sure which surface is best, you will find that the owners trousers are quite effective.
What about the wind?
Q	I have been suffering lately from a bit of wind. People hold their noses and wave their arms then tell me to go outside. What should I do?	A	Well, to be honest, its probably their fault in the first place for feeding you the wrong stuff. But I think the best answer is to take a leaf out of my friend Tessa's book. After a little "gaseous eruptus" she would leap straight to her feet, look at the nearest human, sniff and walk off in disgust.
Bed hopping skills
Q	Now that the weather is getting cold the best place for a bit of extra warmth is on the owner's bed. What have you found is the best method to sneak a bit of space without waking them up and getting sent downstairs again?	A	Now, this is a good one and it may require some patience and a fair bit of practice before you get it just right. Wait until you can hear a strange snorting, gurgling noise. This indicates that they are probably asleep. Just to make sure, go around to each side of the bed and pfufff in their faces. If this doesn't get a reaction, move to the next stage. Put your front paws up on the bed, wait a second and then hop up. Stand perfectly still, and then after a few seconds move slowly up between the snorters and then slow and easy lay down. You may be a bit cramped so lay over on your side and brace yourself between them and gently push. The important thing here, is to be careful NOT to push one or both of them out of the bed. All that good work gone to waste! You should enjoy a warm and comfortable night, and (if you are wise), hop off just before the alarm goes off!